Life or Lies? / Poem

I am confused, I am dejected.
Frustration, irritation and pain,
Engulf every nerve,
Entwines me in this bloody truth-
Today, I am going to die.
Once the center of mob,
Once the charm of luck,
Image of well being- but-
Now,  I lay orphaned, cold,
Emotions all dried up,
Just like my hope.
I will not let even God save me today.

I am confused, I am dejected.
For I never knew and
I will never know-
If I had a life full of cakes and pastries,
Or I lived a life of lies.
But when my brain displays a bit of sympathy,
When my memories prick me-
Maybe to see if I am still alive-
I feel the latter more soothing.
I doubt if all the cakes have made me toxic.
If all the pastries have been adulterated.
Or maybe, I knew this all the while,
And I chose to be consciously unaware.
Something I conveniently ignored.

I am confused, I am dejected.
My childhood, adolescence, adulthood-
I could see like views through a foggy glass,
My happiness, excitement, sadness-
An invisible thread knitted them.
My love seemed an illusion.
The many raspberries for breakfast,
The many travel plans made,
And how I preserved the old truck bunker,
Just for the beauty of flowers around them.
The joy I found playing with rubber duckies.
I have breezed so far from them all,
And I could see a dress so red afar.
But were they all for real ?
Or a silly magic of the great Magician?
In which he showed us everything sweet,
And gave us a bowl of bitterness.
I will gulp this down, just the way he wanted,
And I will not let him save me today.
I have had my fill of life,
And today, I am going to die.

Written for Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie – Sunday Writing Prompt – COLLAGE